Queens Kickshaw - am I missing something?

The loud and constant buzz over Queens Kickshaw has been comparable to what Thomas J. Sennett (as played by Macaulay Culkin) must have heard after he took that fatal step onto the bee hive in the summer of 1972 in one of the best films ever made - My Girl.  It was this frenzy of positive accolades along with curiosity over the concept of Queens Kickshaw that led me to their doorstep.  When I first got wind of Queens Kickshaw I was very intrigued by the idea - specialty coffee, gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, and craft beer - all served up in a relaxed atmosphere.  It sounded like a mecca, a land of dreams, a place I could raise a family one day.  It was more like a torture chamber, a dungeon of despair, a land without feelings.  I digress...let me rewind and start from at the beginning of the end.

One pleasant afternoon, my co-coffee connoisseur and I decided we were cravin' coffee.  We were not far from Queens Kickshaw and had been wanting to try their coffee so headed to do so.  We were pleasantly surprised by the various choices in types of pour-over coffee available.  There were some interesting descriptions.  I ordered the Guatemalan and my co-coffee connoisseur ordered the Mexico.  Now, I know pour-over / drip coffee takes a little bit longer to prepare, but the place was empty and our drinks were still not started until a few minutes after we ordered.  We sat down to wait and wait we did.  Approximately eight (8) minutes later our beverages were ready.  They are served in extremely tiny cups, which was my first disappointment given the price.  Now, I know we were paying for specialty coffee, but the cup size was dainty at best.  We left Queens Kickshaw and tried our coffee.  Both of us felt as though it was "just coffee" which is not a good thing when you are marketing yourself as "specialty coffee".  We even tried each others coffee and had the same reaction.  It did not taste like something I had not had before at a non-specialty coffee shop.  At that moment, I knew it would not be the coffee that made me rush back.
A few weeks later, my parents were visiting for the day and they love espresso.  I had read that Queens Kickshaw had one of the most coveted espresso machines there is and some great espresso to go along with it.  We were also hungry, but not starving.  We decided that Queens Kickshaw fit our moods perfectly.  Sadly, it didn't fit our moods perfectly because we were happy when we arrived and sad, sullen, somber, and shocked when we left.  I warn readers whose attention stamina begins to waiver after a paragraph or two, turn back now, because I am about to go on a rant that will not match any other rant I have previously went on (until I review my next establishment).

There is a large wooden table in the front of Queens Kickshaw.  There are also bar stools near the coffee area and then a seating area in the back of the Kickshaw.  The individual behind the counter told us to sit where we preferred and so we sat at the large table in the front.  Queens Kickshaw does have some great decor and atmosphere, it is pretty cool.  However, as you will see by the events that transpired, there is unfortunately no atmosphere that would personally entice me back to that cavern of confusion again.
So, we sit down at the front table.  We wait approximately a solid six (6) to seven (7) minutes before I go up to the counter and ask if we had to order at the counter (since we never received menus).  I am told that we will be served at the table.  I go sit down and approximately another two (2) to three (3) minutes later we finally get menus.  I would like to point out, the place was not crowded, practically empty - hence no real excuse for the wait. 

After approximately twenty (20) minutes of being there, we finally ordered.  I ordered an iced coffee and the cheddar and mozzarella grilled cheese, which comes with tomato soup.  My mother ordered the same grilled cheese and my father ordered the kitchen sink salad along with the napa cabbage slaw.  We also ordered the miso mustard pickles for the table. 
Now, I saved our non-caffeine drink order for last because this is really where a lot of the confusion comes into play and the reasoning behind the confusion still confuses me to this day.  Confusing, right?  We all ordered water and we asked for some lemon to put in our water.  We were informed there was no lemon, BUT they had some natural lime syrup that they could add to the water or they had some sodas we could try.  We did not want soda so the waiter offered to bring us over some of the natural lime syrup to try.  Again, after a significant amount of time our drinks came over.  When the water and iced coffee were brought, the waiter informed us that the water was going to taste "bad" with the syrup and we should try it with seltzer.  My parents declined this offer, but I said sure.  Not-so-shocking-sidenote - there was no milk, sugar, etc. brought over with my iced coffee.  My seltzer was brought over along with another natural lime syrup.  Once I received my seltzer, I placed some of the syrup into it and tried it - if natural means vomit-inducing then they have a sure fire winner in that beverage. 

Approximately fifteen (15) minutes later the miso mustard pickles arrive.  These are not pickles.  While, I did like the dish, which I will get more into in a minute, they are not pickles and should have a different name.  They are pickled vegetables and a quail egg.  No, that is not a typo.  I repeat, they are pickled vegetables and a quail egg.  They are served in a small glass.  The serving size is sparse.  There were a handful of vegetables and the single solitary quacking quail egg.  The dish was enjoyable, but it just wasn't what it is advertised to be and while I did not mind the dish I ended up with, others may.

Fast-forward another twenty-five (25) minutes later and our food finally arrives, well, we thought so.  Our grilled cheeses and soups were served, along with the napa cabbage salad.  No kitchen sink salad though and also no explanation of where it was.  After another eight (8) minutes or so of trying to get someones attention to inquire as to where the kitchen sink salad was, someone finally came over.  At that point, we were told that they actually made two napa cabbage salads and messed up the order.  Now, wouldn't you think someone would have just told us that or at least told us the salad was on the way?  Guess not.  After waiting another ten (10) minutes the kitchen sink salad arrived.  It was puzzling why it took so long after seeing it, it didn't look very complicated and most, if not all of the ingredients must be pre-prepared.  Due to our wait, the waiter stated that he would give us some beverages on the house, which turned out to be water and another natural lime syrup.  When he brought the natural lime syrup we still had 1.5 full containers on our table so told him it was okay, rather than have him waste it.  I'd had enough natural vomit elixir for the day.
 
As for the actual food, I am puzzled how a place can state that they make gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches or fancy grilled cheese sandwiches and do exactly the opposite.  Basically every single other grilled cheese sandwich I have had in my entire life was better than this grilled cheese sandwich (including several places in Astoria - Mini Star, Sweet Afton).  First of all, there was barely any cheese on the sandwich.  Second of all, the bread was just not right, it was greasy and did not have the proper consistency for a grilled cheese.  This grilled cheese sandwich was everything a grilled cheese sandwich has strived all of its life not to be.  This set grilled cheese sandwiches back approximately until before they were even invented.  I'd rather make myself a grilled cheese on a grilled cheese maker that I had in my college dorm room in college than eat another one of these sick puppies. 

Now, if the sandwich was not bad enough, the soup makes drinking the natural lime syrup vomit taste delicious.  Literally, I think they opened up a jar of ketchup and marinara sauce, mixed them, heated the combo to room temperature, and put it in bowls.  It wasn't even good marinara sauce.  It was luke warm and vile. (I would like to note, I have read a similar review of their tomato soup on another review site, so I am not the only one who noticed the marinara quality of this soup).  On a positive note, my father enjoyed his kitchen sink salad, which consisted of a variety of pickled vegetables, quail eggs, and lettuce.  As far as the napa cabbage salad, it literally was cabbage chopped up, that's it, no flavor, no dressing, nada. 
Well, after we were finished eating (read: spread everything out around the plate to make it look like we ate, but didn't really eat more than a few bites and one slurp of soup), the waiter came over and asked if anyone wanted some after dinner beverages.  Had we not come to this restaurant mainly to try the espresso, we 100% would have left and said no.  However, they are known for their espresso variety and machine so in an attempt not to let this visit go entirely to waste, we inquired about the espresso.  The owner of the Queens Kickshaw went on for approximately five (5) full minutes about this one type of espresso they have that is so amazing, so delicious, so perfect, that YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT.  The strange part was, when my parents asked to try it, he told them he didn't have it in the machine and it had to be calibrated properly and ran a few times so basically, they couldn't try it.  My parents indicated they didn't mind waiting and didn't really get a response.  They then ordered the other kind of espresso that they apparently did have in the machine.  Well, the waiter came over and brought them their espresso approximately twelve (12) minutes later.  They finished their espresso, the waiter came over and started talking about the same other espresso that the owner had talked about and went on and on about it and basically said YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT.  Again, my parents said they would try it, but were under the impression that it was not in the machine, the waiter said he would see what he could do and likely get them some to try.  Well, fifteen (15) minutes later, the waiter strolls over and asks if we need anything else.  We all just could do nothing but look at each other and him puzzled.  We politely reminded him about the other espresso and he said something along the lines of "oh, we ran out" - which was starkly different from having some, but the machine not being calibrated for it, etc. etc.  At that point, we just wanted to get out of that freak show and on with our lives.

We thought our horror was over, that we could finally escape, but we were wrong, again.  We waited a while for the check and when it finally came, we were SHOCKED to see three (3) charges for three (3) natural lime puke-vomit-yak syrup on the receipt, for $3.50 EACH SYRUP.  How awkward.  I politely approached the counter and inquired about the charges, explaining that we were told to try the syrup by the waiter under the impression that it was a lemon substitute, that we didn't even ask for the second one, we were told the third one was on the house, AND we returned one of them and the other two were left nearly untouched!  The cashier took the receipt without saying much of anything and we received the corrected receipt about fourteen (14) minutes later from our waiter who didn't say anything either!
We could not get out of that place fast enough.  We all just left feeling so...weird.  It was just such a bizarre and strange experience.  To this day, I have night terrors about the whole event.  The amount of time I was in Queens Kickshaw actually leads me to believe I was held captive without knowing it.  I'm still sort of waiting for video cameras to be broken out and find myself on some sort of nightmare restaurant show.

I think it goes without saying based on the above, but just to clarify, the chances of me ever stepping foot in Queens Kickshaw again are an astounding ZERO.  I guess it is possible that I had a fluke experience, but if that is the case then I guess it is also possible that the earth is flat.  I think the preliminary frenzy over this place was exactly that - preliminary.  I think the idea of unique coffee, different grilled cheese sandwiches, and cool beer led people down a zombie like path that they couldn't control.  PEOPLE GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. SNAP OUT OF IT.  LOOK AWAY FROM THE SWINGING PENDULUM.
 
Queens Kickshaw - I love great coffee, delicious grilled cheese, and unique beer that I haven't tried.  Sadly, the coffee was blah, the grilled cheese was blargh, and I will have to try new beer elsewhere.  I can't say I'll miss you.

Sugar Freak - get your freak on

I'm always torn on trying a new restaurant as soon as it opens.  On the one hand I'm usually really looking forward to trying something new, different, and hopefully delicious, but on the other hand I'm frozen with fear on having a poor dining experience that prevents me from going back when the bad experience is probably at least due in part to the infant stages of a new restaurant with trial and error.  Well, with Sugar Freak I just couldn't resist and as it turns out, I'm glad I didn't.

Sugar Freak before opening

Since I moved to Astoria I have been walking by this place and very intrigued by the few glimpses of decor I snuck.  When one of my obsessive google searches about Sugar Freak finally came back with information indicating that this place had opened I couldn't wait to try it, you may even say I was an eager eagle, a rabid raccoon, or an impatient iguana.  Well, my elation was temporary because good old daddy doubt slapped me in the face - with paralyzing thoughts of "what if the food sucks?" "what if the service sucks?" "what if they receive less than an A rating by the DOH?" - luckily I got a hold of myself before my thoughts really ran prematurely askew.  I decided I would wait a couple of weeks before dining at Sugar Freak.  I also decided I would enjoy a tasty beverage at the bar at Sugar Freak to try to feel out the atmosphere and see what I should expect.

After having some beverages at some other local establishments one Saturday evening in early July, my co-bar attendee and I stopped in Sugar Freak for a drink.  The restaurant was crowded and there was even a wait for a table.  I should add that this was a holiday weekend, which is a good sign for Sugar Freak because often non-beach located establishments have less of a crowd on holiday weekends in the summer. 

The decor inside the restaurant is everything I imagined and more.  It has a rustic and homey feeling to it, almost like the restaurant form of the store Anthropologie.  Perfection.  One thing I did notice was there was no one behind the bar for a few minutes after we entered.  I'm sure they are still working out the kinks, but the wait time was noticeable.  Apart from that, once the bartender did reappear, he was extremely friendly and served our drinks pretty quickly after we ordered them.  They do not have the largest of best beer selection in my opinion, but the focus here is more on the restaurant so that is somewhat understandable.  This particular visit to Sugar Freak was limited in time, but did leave me curious to go back and try the food. 

I'm a big kid now!

A bit more than a week later, on a Thursday night, my co-diner and I decided to try Sugar Freak.  I was a nervous nelly because I had read a review on yelp that indicated some of my worst fears about a new restaurant may be coming true - running out of food, not great service, etc.  However, I took off my diaper, put on my pull-ups and ventured off to Sugar Freak.

We were seated immediately at a corner table in the back of the restaurant.  The decor which I really liked on my first visit turned into 100% love, lust, obsession, and a lot of other creepy feelings.  Our waitress was super friendly in a genuine way that we appreciated.  She informed us of the drink specials and gave us her opinion on her favorites.  Two of the specials sounded particularly delicious and so we decided to order one of each - a country lemonade alcoholic beverage and a watermelon alcoholic beverage.  The watermelon drink was mixed and muddled with fresh watermelon, elderflower, other liquor, and very thirst-quenching.  The lemonade elicited a similar reaction.  Both were perfection.  The good or bad part (depending on the type of night you are looking to have) is that you can't even taste the alcohol, the drink is so smooth, but the alcohol is definitely in the drink! 

As soon as we sat we also received a basket of heaven that came in the form of four mini corn muffins.  I don't know what else to say about them except that I could have ate about forty-one more.  Even my co-diner who isn't a huge fan of corn muffins loved them. 

My co-diner and I both ordered spinach salads for appetizers.  I ordered the half fried shrimp po boy as my main course.  My co-diner ordered the half turkey burger po boy. 

The spinach salad was delectable and I have not stopped thinking about the next time I can order it since I had it.  It is pretty simple overall, but that is what is so great about it, it is simply delicious.  The dressing was great and it had the perfect amount on it.  The portions were in proportion. 

Next came the main courses.  Unfortunately, a full fried shrimp po boy appeared before me rather than the half that I ordered.  In all fairness, I could have brought this to the waitresses attention as soon as the plate was put before me, but I chose to let it go and enjoy the meal.  If it happened again I would speak up, but as a new restaurant, there was probably a miscommunication and the meal had been great so far.  The po boys come with french fries.  I got regular fries and my co-diner got sweet potato fries.  I preferred my fries over hers and she preferred hers over mine.  The fries are the one place they went wrong with portions, I received about five french fries.  The actual fried shrimp po boy on a scale of okay-delicious-perfection was delicious.  I won't say it is the best thing I ever ate, but it was far from just okay.  I can't exactly place my five boroughed fingers on what was off about the sandwich, but it was missing something.  My co-diner felt similarly about her turkey burger po boy and said she would definitely try a lot of other things on the menu before reverting back to ordering the same thing. 

With dinner we each had another beverage, I ordered a glass of white wine and my co-diner ingested another watermelon beverage.  The wine glass was generously filled to the tip top of the glass, but unfortunately was Chardonnay and a bit sweet for my taste.  Hopefully, in the future, Sugar Freak expands their wine selection.  Additionally, the table next to us ordered a carafe of wine, which is $28.00 and I found the size of the carafe a bit small for the price.  On the topic of prices, while I find the food prices average, I found the price of the specialty drinks a bit much for Queens.  Each drink was $11.00, which I would expect in the City, but not in Astoria.  The glass of wine was $6.50, which I found fair considering how much the glass was filled.

Checkmate

For dessert we ordered the Chess Pie.  This was one of the best decisions of the night.  It was served in a small mason jar and earns major bonus points for presentation.  My co-diner describes the pie as "yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy" and I would have to concur.  The crust was the perfect consistency, the peanut butter crumble was crumbleicious, and the chocolate practically melted in your mouth.  Needless to say, I would recommend the Chess Pie.  This Chess Pie is so good that I think it could even beat Bobby Fischer.  King me. 

Sugar Freak is currently open Thursdays-Sundays from 5pm-11pm.  I wish they were open a bit more often and a bit later because I could see just getting a few drinks there for happy hour or on a weekend.  Also, I'm crossing my fingers that Sugar Freak starts serving brunch.

I sense a long and prosperous future ahead for Sugar Freak.  There is no restaurant in the neighborhood that comes to mind that bears any real similarities to the Sugar Freak menu and ambiance and when you combine that with great food and drinks you have a winner.  I suggest all of you RUN, don't walk, to getcha getcha getcha freak on!

Pachanga Patterson - Pachanga rhymes with Jenga

June 18, 2011 - what a vivid day in my memory.  The day that Jenga metamorphosed from a game with wooden pieces to a creative brunch meal which hit my palate with the force of a mallet.  Enter Pachanga Patterson. 
I had read quite a bit about Pachanga Patterson prior to deciding to brunch at this little cochina.  On this particular day, my co-diner and I were torn between two establishments in Astoria that we had yet to try.  I am extremely pleased we decided to fill our stomach's sombrero style. 

The atmosphere of Pachanga Patterson is so welcoming.  We were greeted by nearly every employee as we made our way from entrance way to our seats.  We decided to sit outside because the weather was great.  This turned out to be somewhat of a mistake due to the sun beating on my face at a temperature of about 200 degrees Fahrenheit, but it didn't ruin the positive experience overall. 

If you head straight through the inside dining area of the restaurant you are led out to a backyard deck.  It isn't huge, but there were around 6-8 tables that could accommodate anywhere from 2 to 6 people and more if tables were pushed together.  The only issue was there was literally NO AIR moving back there, no breeze, no wind, it was steamy like a sauna.  There were two tables that had umbrella's, but they were taken.  We stuck it out and sat outside during the entire length of our meal, but at times it was pretty unbearable.  There were about 8 people, who I like to call, those who can't handle the heat, who came outside, barely sat, then went back inside.  Wimps.  Inside sources report that Pachanga Patterson doesn't like wimps.  Okay, no one told me that, but I bet my Pachanga Patterson poncho that it is true.
Both my co-diner and I decided we would do the brunch special, which included one entree and a drink (mimosa, sangria, or bloody mary) for $10.00.  Deal?  I'd sure as heck say so.  The menu doesn't have a ton of items on it, but more than enough for everyone in your party to find something they like.  Both of us ordered the "Veggie Jenga" and a glass of sangria.  The sangria took a little longer than it should to come out, but it was great once it did. They do not overload their sangria glasses with ice and fruit like so many other establishments.  I found the sangria extremely refreshing especially since my skin was sizzling in the sun.  The sangria was not overly sweet and the glass size was generous.

My one and only gripe with Pachanga Patterson is that the time it took for our food to come out was a bit ridiculous.  Another table of champs who sat outside ordered guacamole to go and we overheard our waitress say that it would likely take at least 20 minutes because a bunch of tables sat around the same time as one another.  Now, Pachanga Patterson did just only recently start serving brunch, however I do not believe this should be a get out of Mexico free card.  The restaurant should have enough kitchen employees on staff to accommodate the brunch crowd or prepare their kitchen for rushes. I imagine at dinner time there are times where a bunch of tables sit at the same time also.  It is something that needs to be addressed and remedied.  The only thing I can say in Pachanga Patterson's favor about this issue is that maybe they are not employing as many kitchen staff during brunch until they see what type of crowd they are going to get. 
 

My first impression of the Veggie Jenga when it graced me with its presence on my plate was that the portion size was amazing.  They could have easily gotten away with serving half of what was on my plate, especially because the way it was plated and served was cut in half.  Basically, the dish consisted of a sweet potato puree on the bottom of the plate, then a tortilla shell, topped with a mixed salad, topped black beans and also a fried egg (which was more like a well done over-easy egg), and finally there was a green spicy sauce drizzled over the dish that can best be described as perfect.  My co-diner is a bit sensitive to spicy food and commented she would ask for the sauce on the side next time.  The dish was perfect.  I was a bit weary of the sweet potato puree upon ordering, but it meshed perfectly.  The last time I saw a dish mesh so well was when I began preparing and dining on potato chip/mayo/bread smushed together sandwiches (patent pending).  The tortilla shell added a nice crunch to the dish.  I heard a waiter state that the reason the dish was named "Veggie Jenga" was because of how the ingredients are piled one on top of each other, much like Jenga pieces.  The difference is, this little torta ain't toppling.  I finished my entire dish and did not feel as though what I ate was extremely unhealthy and did not feel disgustingly stuffed afterwards. 

I am looking forward to making Pachanga Patterson a regular brunch staple and also can't wait to try it for dinner.  Pachanga es mi amigo.  I leave you with a little diddy that I like to call a rhyme.
Be careful when you swallow.
Be careful when you chew.
I love Pachanga.
And so will you.

2 Bros. Pizza - East Village - dolla dolla bill ya'll

Pizza is one of my favorite foods.  I like Pizza of all sorts.  This is exactly why I don't judge 2 Bros. Pizza, but rather appreciate and embrace it for exactly what it is - a slightly skeevy joint that serves up a delicious slice of goodness.  2 Bros. Pizza doesn't pretend to be something that it is not, it is not putting up a facade.  2 Bros. Pizza is not wearing a mask, they are not hiding their dirty little secrets.  Is the establishment small?  Tiny, yes.  Is it muggy and filled with a sort of steamy stale air?  You bet.  Are there any sinks in view where the employees can wash their hands from time to time?  None that I ever saw.  DOES THEIR PIZZA COST A DOLLAR A SLICE?  Sure does, sure does. 

Now, I'm not saying you should sacrifice quality to save a dollar here or there.  The thing is, you aren't sacrificing quality by eating a slice from 2 Bros. Pizza.  You are getting exactly what you pay for, which is a delectable slice of pizza.  The cheese to sauce ratio is exactly on point and the crust is the perfect consistency.  It should be noted that the two gentlemen pictured on the 2 Bros. Pizza sign are not the gentleman who knead your dough, sprinkle your cheese, and toss your pizzas.  I have never seen these two gentlemen in 2 Bros. Pizza and while I do not believe it was an intentional fabrication on 2 Bros. Pizza's part, they do not exist in the realm of the dollar slice.  That being said, if you expect an authentic Italian slice of pizza then you should absolutely go elsewhere, oh, and good luck finding one.

The 2 Bros. Pizza I frequent is located on lovely St. Marks.  The worst part of the whole experience is making your way down that block during peak times, which seem to be 24/7.  The other part of the whole experience that really bothers me while I make my way to 2 Bros. Pizza, is passing the other 2 Bros. Pizza that mysteriously opened only a few store fronts down from the BETTER and ORIGINAL 2 Bros. Pizza on St. Marks.  Forgive me while I go off on a tangent about this copycat 2 Bros. Pizza.  Once I find a place I enjoy, I'm loyal to that exact place and location.  This second 2 Bros. Pizza a few doors away is mind boggling to me (and I don't care that it is the same owners).  I should actually just start walking the long way to reach the superior 2 Bros. Pizza so I don't have to look at this eye sore anymore.  Oh, and they call themselves, 2 Bros. Pizza Plus, plus what?  Explain that one.  Right, you can't.  I have never been in the newer, likely inferior, 2 Bros. Pizza (Plus) and never will step foot in the establishment (unless my preferred 2 Bros. Pizza closes - desperate times, desperate measures). 

Just a few things about the cleanliness of this establishment.  Ignorance is bliss is an apt description.  I try not to think about it too much, to some extent I bury my head in the sand or sauce in this case.  The bottom line is, you can't have it all.  You can't indulge in a dollar slice of pizza that is pretty darn delicious and expect the highest quality ingredients and health standards.  In all fairness, I would likely continue to frequent 2 Bros. Pizza even if I found out they had a dirty little unsanitary secret.  Like Madonna Louise Ciccone a/k/a Madonna once so rightly put it, "Things haven't been the same / Since you came into my life / You found a way to touch my soul / And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go / Mmm mmm, my baby's got a secret / Mmm mmm, my baby's got a secret / Mmm mmm, my baby's got a secret for me."  If you felt uncomfortable reading those lyrics as related to pizza, think about how uncomfortable I felt when I thought of them in relation to pizza, then proceeded to type them out. 

You can't beat a slice of pizza for a dollar, especially a good slice.  They also have a deal, two slices, and a can of soda, all for the price of $2.75.  In fact, I am so fond of 2 Bros. Pizza that I wrote a little poem for them, creatively titled "2 Bros. Pizza":

2 Bros. Pizza

Hey Brothers, you're unlike any other

Hey Brothers, I'd like to meet your mother

Hey Brothers, here is one single dollar

Hey Brothers, your pizza deserves a holler

Hey Brothers, St. Marks can be a zoo

Hey Brothers, I smile when I think of you

Hey Brothers, please save me a slice

Hey Brothers, I hope you don't have mice

Hey Brothers, I hope you are clean

Hey Brothers, sorry that was mean

Gaudio's Pizzeria & Restaurant - worth the wait, and yes, you will be waiting

Ahhhh Gaudio's Pizzeria & Restaurant - yet another place that I love to hate, love to love, hate to love, and all those other mixed emotions that come along with food obsession.  Upon moving to my new 'hood, I scoped out some nearby food establishments.  One food establishment being Gaudio's. 
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Gaudio's, my first thought was "there is no way that place has passed health inspections, I'm never eating that pizza" and the second was "oh, wait, maybe they just are like innumerable other restaurants in Queens that haven't changed their appearance since 1995".  On a side note, I think 1995 was a pretty good year for pizza in my life.  I don't remember the exact details, but since I graduated elementary school that year I am pretty confident that there was a lot of pizza partying going on.  Irrelevant, sorry.  

Flash forward to a few evenings after we moved into our new apartment.  My co-diner and I are tired, lazy, don't feel like going too far for food, and want something quick and easy.  Like a flash of lightning, Gaudio's came into my life, yelling at the top of their Italian lungs, "ITSA ME GAUDIO!" 






My co-diner and I arrive, unsure if we are going to eat at Gaudio's or get our meals to go.  We wanted to feel out the atmosphere first.  I was unsure if I was going to walk into a dumpster or a scene from In Living Color.  I was even more unsure which I would prefer.  To be honest, it was kind of a combination of both.  To be even more honest, I loved every second of it.
First, I need to discuss the man who took our order.  He is the reason that I said that Gaudio's was partially like walking into a dumpster.  Now, it must be hard to keep tidy while making pizza's all day, I can understand that.  What I can't understand is smeared glasses, a drooly mouth, and just an overall "I just put my hands in places you don't even want to know" type of look.  Call me crazy, but it just doesn't exactly whet my appetite.  To make matters worse, this individual moved in slow motion.  He should actually look into a new career in Hollywood special effects because I have never seen motion this slow, even in the movies when they intentionally put a clip in slow motion.  In fact, I heard a rumor that Juvenile penned his very respecful song "Slow Motion" after this dude. 

ANYWAY, after I ordered my white slice of pizza and my co-diner ordered her regular cheese slice of pizza, we decided we wanted salads.  As soon as this dude heard that we would like salads, he said we should sit down and order from the waiter.  Upon hearing that and realizing we had to be at work tomorrow morning and probably wouldn't make it in time if we chose to take that route, we said we would have the salads to go.  I ordered Gaudio's house salad (substiting mozzarella for provolone because I respect cheese that specifically asks within it's name to be left "olone" - also I prefer to avoid curd cheese that tastes like feet).  My co-diner ordered a Gaudio's house salad (with provolone).

While we were waiting at the counter for our food another customer walked in and literally stood at the counter waiting for his order to be taken for a solid five minutes.  The man who took our order was there the entire time, looking up at the ceiling, looking down at the floor, scratching his head, scratching his nose, kneading some dough, sighing, looking at the ceiling, etc.  Finally, he said something that could not be understood, along the lines of "do you need help?" to which the customer responded "yes, that would be great" with a sigh of relief.  Well, fast forward another solid five to seven minutes later and another five to ten senseless tasks later and still the customer was not helped.  Finally, the customer made eye contact with the dude and the dude said something along the lines of "oh, I thought you said you were being helped," and proceeded to half turn around, but listened to the customer's order.  Along with whatever the customer ordered, he ordered a regular can of Pepsi.  Well, something went way over the dude's head because he first presented him with a Diet Pepsi, then he gave him a Pepsi Max, FINALLY, he figured out that "the regular pepsi can is blue" meant, the blue can, not the black or silver one.






After this display, we finally received our food.  We paid and were on our way.  To be honest, I didn't fully appreciate the scenes that had developed before me until later on.  After giving it some thought, I realized that I had just received some of the best comedy and entertainment of my life all for the price of a slice of pizza and a salad.  Talk about a bargain.
Now, onto the food, the white slice was delicious.  It was the perfect amount of crisp, without being crunchy.  The salad was great as well, my one complaint would be there definitely is a bit of zest or flavor missing from the dressing, which could be due to the fact that there was not much dressing on the salad.  My co-diner said the regular slice was delicious also.  Again, the perfect amount of crisp. 
A few days later, there we were again, lazy and not motivated to cook.  We had the crave, the Gaudio's crave.  Unfortunately for us, this crave was depraved because it was a Monday and as we learned, Gaudio's is closed on Monday's.
Not to worry, Gaudio's re-entered our lives a few nights later.  This time, we decided to dine in.  Our buddy, the dude, (as I have been referring to him) was present, but we would not get to experience his quirks except at a distance because we had a waiter instead.  Nonetheless, the dude provided entertainment from our seats.  We made sure our seats were front and center to fully witness all of his actions.  Our waiter was a nice italian gentleman who provided prompt and friendly service, despite the fact that Gaudio's is Gaudio's and you will wait whether you are the only person in the restaurant or one of a hundred.  My co-diner and I both ordered Gaudio's salad, again, hers with feet, mine without.  Like last time, the salads were great except the dressing was again missing something.  We also decided to split the baked ziti dish and garlic knots.  The garlic knots were phenomenal.  Honestly, out of this world and from whatever world it is that the dude comes from.  I wish he had given me some of his slow motion power while eating them because I wanted them to last forever.  Amazing.  They were a texture in between perfectly soft/moist and crisp and had the right amount of garlic and were not drenched in oil.  The baked ziti came out a while later and was great.  I won't say it is the best baked ziti I have ever had, but it was pretty delicious.  The portions are generous, you won't leave overly stuffed on just the baked ziti, but you won't leave hungry either.  You will be satisfied.
What I've learned about Gaudio's is that you have to go in with an open mind and willing to wait.  Would I go there if I was in a huge rush?  Probably not, no.  Would I go in there expecting to receive a regular can of soda as opposed to a diet soda on the first try?  Don't be crazy, no.  Would I go in there expecting an out of this world slice and garlic knots?  Is the number eight even?  Can an ant typically lift and carry twenty or more times its body weight?  All ridiculously easy questions, with simple answers, YES, YES, and YES!






Gaudio's is somewhere that I think I'll feel pretty comfortable calling home after a few more visits.  I'm looking forward to a great many years ahead being entertained by the employees of Gaudio's and enjoying some great pizza and garlic knots while I'm at it.
Gaudio's - don't you go changing on me.

Starbuck's - 2nd Avenue/9th Street - Meet EVIL.

Admonition and warning to all people who value their sanity and their dignity - DO NOT SET FOOT IN THIS STARBUCK'S LOCATION.  Follow-up warning - due to the graphic nature of the emotion streaming through this particular blog entry, I urge those who can't handle the truth to avert their eyes immediately.  

I like coffee, a lot.  Once in a while, I like to really shake things up and put a little latte in my life.  I also enjoy Starbuck's cinnamon dolce latte and pumpkin spice latte.  The most convenient Starbuck's to my former place of habitation was the 2nd Avenue/9th Street location, otherwise known as HELL. 

One fine winter day, my co-latte enjoyer and I took a stroll to said Starbuck's.  The store was empty, despite this, we waited a solid five minutes standing in front of the cash register employee before she finally looked up.  When she did look up, she looked up as though we were the ones wasting her time.  She never once said "how can I help you" or "what would you like" or any other sort of phrase that would indicate she was ready to take our order.  Finally, annoyed, she said "Yes?" and each of us ordered separately a Grande Skim Pumpkin Spice Latte, no foam, and no whip cream.  My co-latte enjoyer also was parched and asked for a cup of water.  Relieved that my drink order was finally taken, I proceeded to the designated area where you wait for your drink.  Again, one would think that since there was no one ahead of us our drinks would be made pretty soon after they were ordered.  Oh how wrong we were. 

The barista - let's just call him EVIL as to avoid any confusion with who I am referring to - must have some sort of condition that only allows him to frown or scowl and also only allows him to make inaudible noises rather than words.  EVIL looked at our drink order, made a few noises that sounded like a goose attacking a pedestrian and made our latte's.  Once done with our latte's, the natural progression is to put them on the drink counter, perhaps call out the persons name on the cup, and that is that.  No, no, no.  I learned a valuable life lesson that fine winter day, this is EVIL's pond and we are just trying to doggy paddle the heck out of it.  EVIL left our latte's sitting in their respective cups, uncovered, while he went on to refill some syrups, clean a machine, eat some bread that passerby's threw into his mouth, scowl, etc.  After a few minutes, I politely asked EVIL if we could have our beverages.  He looked at me as though I had asked him to smile or speak.  He covered our drinks and put them on the counter without a word, not even an apology for the delay.  I picked up my beverage and noticed that it seemed a little light for a grande.  By light, I mean, it felt like a cup of air.  I took off the top of my latte and noticed that 1/2 of the cup consisted of FOAM.  So, not only did EVIL take about 3 hours to finish my beverage, but he didn't even give me what I ordered! 

After informing EVIL that my cup was filled with air, he scooped out the foam and poured some leftover cold milk into my drink.  Mmmmm exactly what I wanted!  My co-latte enjoyer then asked EVIL for that cup of water ordered earlier.  He literally looked at her, did not say a word, and walked into the back room.  I took this as a sign that we should get the F out of there. 

I was so disturbed by my experience that I decided to write a letter to Starbuck's customer service and explain the events and the behavior of the employees at this location, especially EVIL.  I definitely did not want anyone to lose their job, but it seems to me that if people are going to continue to pay high prices for Starbuck's beverages maybe a little refresher in customer service is not a bad idea.  In return, I received a letter of apology and two free beverage coupons.

Flash forward a few months.  I have a hard time learning my lesson sometimes.  I make the same mistakes over and over - especially when it comes to food and drinks.  I promise myself each time that it won't happen again, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, then I find myself in a corner, shivering, crying, and shaking my fist at the sky after it does happen again.  I also have a hard time not being dramatic when discussing establishments that have sent me into a spiral of emotions. 

So, a few months later, my co-latte enjoyer and I decided to use our free drink coupons.  Going against my gut, I decide to give the 2nd Avenue/9th Street Bucky's another shot.  Again, this location was fairly empty (now I know why).  We each ordered Venti latte's together and requested no foam.  Now, you would think since we were paying with a free coupon that we received as a result of poor customer service that maybe, just maybe, the employees would try to do something right.   

The cash register employee did greet us, so I guess that was an improvement.  As luck would have it, EVIL was our barista.  Unfortunately, same old EVIL, making odd noises, scowling, and this time he even added a new touch, slamming equipment around in what I can only assume was caffeine induced insanity.  I have come to realize that EVIL's signature touch to the beverages he produces is to let them sit for a few minutes before he puts the lids on and hands them over to the customers.  Again, my NO FOAM latte was filled 1/2 way with FOAM.  This time EVIL just scooped out the foam and handed it back to me, he didn't even replace the empty space with anything.  Before I could ask otherwise, EVIL stormed into the back again.  I still have no idea what his intent is when he goes into the back room after a customer request and I never want to find out.  Again, I wrote a letter to customer service, informing them that they really need to take action as to this location.  This time I received three free drink coupons. 

I have not been back to this particular Starbuck's location.  I do not plan to ever step foot in that location again.  I can't even look at it when I walk down 2nd Avenue without getting the chills and feeling the glare of EVIL upon me.

I end with some wise words of a former esteemed leader of the free world:  "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you.  Fool me - you can't get fooled again."

My Astoria Real Estate's Peter Horowitz - the Boroughs Best Broker

If you had told me a year ago that I would be moving again, after having just moved into an apartment that year, I would have slapped you.  Well, not really, but I would have at least laughed in your face.  Similarly, if you had told me a year ago that not only would I be moving again, but I would be paying a broker fee to move again, I really would have slapped you AND laughed in your face.  Unfortunately, shiz happens and when I say shiz I really mean poor neighbor relations to put it mildly.  So, a year later, there I was moving again and after attempting to scour through craigslist for the perfect apartment to no avail, there I was using a broker again. 
Numerous people had recommended a website (http://myastoriarealestate.com/) and a broker (Peter Horowitz) to me.  After consistently looking at the website for a week or two, I contacted Peter to see what he had available to show us.  We were looking for a large one bedroom or a two bedroom.  We met Peter at his office for the first time on a Saturday - it was pouring rain.  Immediately upon meeting Peter I was relieved to find out that he appeared to be a) normal; and b) driving to the apartments he would be showing us that day.  In past experiences with brokers, for whatever reason, they are always kind of awkward to spend time with and when that is added onto the stress of trying to find a place to live, it is just not a pleasant experience.  On that particular day, Peter showed us some great apartments.  These apartments just were not exactly what we were looking for and we communicated that to him and he said he would be in touch with additional apartments.  Both of us agreed that we would continue to work with Peter not only because he seemed normal and drove to the apartment viewings in the pouring rain, but because he seemed like a genuinely honest person to deal with and was extremely humorous as well.
True to his word, Peter contacted us with some additional apartments that he wanted to show us.  We scheduled an appointment and went to see the apartments.  We immediately fell in love with one of the apartments, but it was a bit out of our price range.  We went back and forth with Peter and expressed our concerns.  Luckily for us, Peter has a great relationship with the landlords he deals with and also has his clients best interests as a priority.  Peter was able to get us the apartment we truly wanted for a monthly rent that we were willing to pay. 
No one is going to deny that paying a brokers fee is not fun, but to be honest, if it has to be paid, there is no one I'd rather pay it to than a broker like Peter Horowitz.  I would highly recommend that anyone looking for an apartment in Astoria go to Peter's website and contact him.  I can almost guarantee Peter will find you what you are looking for or at least make a 110% effort to do so.