Queens Kickshaw - am I missing something?

The loud and constant buzz over Queens Kickshaw has been comparable to what Thomas J. Sennett (as played by Macaulay Culkin) must have heard after he took that fatal step onto the bee hive in the summer of 1972 in one of the best films ever made - My Girl.  It was this frenzy of positive accolades along with curiosity over the concept of Queens Kickshaw that led me to their doorstep.  When I first got wind of Queens Kickshaw I was very intrigued by the idea - specialty coffee, gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, and craft beer - all served up in a relaxed atmosphere.  It sounded like a mecca, a land of dreams, a place I could raise a family one day.  It was more like a torture chamber, a dungeon of despair, a land without feelings.  I digress...let me rewind and start from at the beginning of the end.

One pleasant afternoon, my co-coffee connoisseur and I decided we were cravin' coffee.  We were not far from Queens Kickshaw and had been wanting to try their coffee so headed to do so.  We were pleasantly surprised by the various choices in types of pour-over coffee available.  There were some interesting descriptions.  I ordered the Guatemalan and my co-coffee connoisseur ordered the Mexico.  Now, I know pour-over / drip coffee takes a little bit longer to prepare, but the place was empty and our drinks were still not started until a few minutes after we ordered.  We sat down to wait and wait we did.  Approximately eight (8) minutes later our beverages were ready.  They are served in extremely tiny cups, which was my first disappointment given the price.  Now, I know we were paying for specialty coffee, but the cup size was dainty at best.  We left Queens Kickshaw and tried our coffee.  Both of us felt as though it was "just coffee" which is not a good thing when you are marketing yourself as "specialty coffee".  We even tried each others coffee and had the same reaction.  It did not taste like something I had not had before at a non-specialty coffee shop.  At that moment, I knew it would not be the coffee that made me rush back.
A few weeks later, my parents were visiting for the day and they love espresso.  I had read that Queens Kickshaw had one of the most coveted espresso machines there is and some great espresso to go along with it.  We were also hungry, but not starving.  We decided that Queens Kickshaw fit our moods perfectly.  Sadly, it didn't fit our moods perfectly because we were happy when we arrived and sad, sullen, somber, and shocked when we left.  I warn readers whose attention stamina begins to waiver after a paragraph or two, turn back now, because I am about to go on a rant that will not match any other rant I have previously went on (until I review my next establishment).

There is a large wooden table in the front of Queens Kickshaw.  There are also bar stools near the coffee area and then a seating area in the back of the Kickshaw.  The individual behind the counter told us to sit where we preferred and so we sat at the large table in the front.  Queens Kickshaw does have some great decor and atmosphere, it is pretty cool.  However, as you will see by the events that transpired, there is unfortunately no atmosphere that would personally entice me back to that cavern of confusion again.
So, we sit down at the front table.  We wait approximately a solid six (6) to seven (7) minutes before I go up to the counter and ask if we had to order at the counter (since we never received menus).  I am told that we will be served at the table.  I go sit down and approximately another two (2) to three (3) minutes later we finally get menus.  I would like to point out, the place was not crowded, practically empty - hence no real excuse for the wait. 

After approximately twenty (20) minutes of being there, we finally ordered.  I ordered an iced coffee and the cheddar and mozzarella grilled cheese, which comes with tomato soup.  My mother ordered the same grilled cheese and my father ordered the kitchen sink salad along with the napa cabbage slaw.  We also ordered the miso mustard pickles for the table. 
Now, I saved our non-caffeine drink order for last because this is really where a lot of the confusion comes into play and the reasoning behind the confusion still confuses me to this day.  Confusing, right?  We all ordered water and we asked for some lemon to put in our water.  We were informed there was no lemon, BUT they had some natural lime syrup that they could add to the water or they had some sodas we could try.  We did not want soda so the waiter offered to bring us over some of the natural lime syrup to try.  Again, after a significant amount of time our drinks came over.  When the water and iced coffee were brought, the waiter informed us that the water was going to taste "bad" with the syrup and we should try it with seltzer.  My parents declined this offer, but I said sure.  Not-so-shocking-sidenote - there was no milk, sugar, etc. brought over with my iced coffee.  My seltzer was brought over along with another natural lime syrup.  Once I received my seltzer, I placed some of the syrup into it and tried it - if natural means vomit-inducing then they have a sure fire winner in that beverage. 

Approximately fifteen (15) minutes later the miso mustard pickles arrive.  These are not pickles.  While, I did like the dish, which I will get more into in a minute, they are not pickles and should have a different name.  They are pickled vegetables and a quail egg.  No, that is not a typo.  I repeat, they are pickled vegetables and a quail egg.  They are served in a small glass.  The serving size is sparse.  There were a handful of vegetables and the single solitary quacking quail egg.  The dish was enjoyable, but it just wasn't what it is advertised to be and while I did not mind the dish I ended up with, others may.

Fast-forward another twenty-five (25) minutes later and our food finally arrives, well, we thought so.  Our grilled cheeses and soups were served, along with the napa cabbage salad.  No kitchen sink salad though and also no explanation of where it was.  After another eight (8) minutes or so of trying to get someones attention to inquire as to where the kitchen sink salad was, someone finally came over.  At that point, we were told that they actually made two napa cabbage salads and messed up the order.  Now, wouldn't you think someone would have just told us that or at least told us the salad was on the way?  Guess not.  After waiting another ten (10) minutes the kitchen sink salad arrived.  It was puzzling why it took so long after seeing it, it didn't look very complicated and most, if not all of the ingredients must be pre-prepared.  Due to our wait, the waiter stated that he would give us some beverages on the house, which turned out to be water and another natural lime syrup.  When he brought the natural lime syrup we still had 1.5 full containers on our table so told him it was okay, rather than have him waste it.  I'd had enough natural vomit elixir for the day.
 
As for the actual food, I am puzzled how a place can state that they make gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches or fancy grilled cheese sandwiches and do exactly the opposite.  Basically every single other grilled cheese sandwich I have had in my entire life was better than this grilled cheese sandwich (including several places in Astoria - Mini Star, Sweet Afton).  First of all, there was barely any cheese on the sandwich.  Second of all, the bread was just not right, it was greasy and did not have the proper consistency for a grilled cheese.  This grilled cheese sandwich was everything a grilled cheese sandwich has strived all of its life not to be.  This set grilled cheese sandwiches back approximately until before they were even invented.  I'd rather make myself a grilled cheese on a grilled cheese maker that I had in my college dorm room in college than eat another one of these sick puppies. 

Now, if the sandwich was not bad enough, the soup makes drinking the natural lime syrup vomit taste delicious.  Literally, I think they opened up a jar of ketchup and marinara sauce, mixed them, heated the combo to room temperature, and put it in bowls.  It wasn't even good marinara sauce.  It was luke warm and vile. (I would like to note, I have read a similar review of their tomato soup on another review site, so I am not the only one who noticed the marinara quality of this soup).  On a positive note, my father enjoyed his kitchen sink salad, which consisted of a variety of pickled vegetables, quail eggs, and lettuce.  As far as the napa cabbage salad, it literally was cabbage chopped up, that's it, no flavor, no dressing, nada. 
Well, after we were finished eating (read: spread everything out around the plate to make it look like we ate, but didn't really eat more than a few bites and one slurp of soup), the waiter came over and asked if anyone wanted some after dinner beverages.  Had we not come to this restaurant mainly to try the espresso, we 100% would have left and said no.  However, they are known for their espresso variety and machine so in an attempt not to let this visit go entirely to waste, we inquired about the espresso.  The owner of the Queens Kickshaw went on for approximately five (5) full minutes about this one type of espresso they have that is so amazing, so delicious, so perfect, that YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT.  The strange part was, when my parents asked to try it, he told them he didn't have it in the machine and it had to be calibrated properly and ran a few times so basically, they couldn't try it.  My parents indicated they didn't mind waiting and didn't really get a response.  They then ordered the other kind of espresso that they apparently did have in the machine.  Well, the waiter came over and brought them their espresso approximately twelve (12) minutes later.  They finished their espresso, the waiter came over and started talking about the same other espresso that the owner had talked about and went on and on about it and basically said YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT.  Again, my parents said they would try it, but were under the impression that it was not in the machine, the waiter said he would see what he could do and likely get them some to try.  Well, fifteen (15) minutes later, the waiter strolls over and asks if we need anything else.  We all just could do nothing but look at each other and him puzzled.  We politely reminded him about the other espresso and he said something along the lines of "oh, we ran out" - which was starkly different from having some, but the machine not being calibrated for it, etc. etc.  At that point, we just wanted to get out of that freak show and on with our lives.

We thought our horror was over, that we could finally escape, but we were wrong, again.  We waited a while for the check and when it finally came, we were SHOCKED to see three (3) charges for three (3) natural lime puke-vomit-yak syrup on the receipt, for $3.50 EACH SYRUP.  How awkward.  I politely approached the counter and inquired about the charges, explaining that we were told to try the syrup by the waiter under the impression that it was a lemon substitute, that we didn't even ask for the second one, we were told the third one was on the house, AND we returned one of them and the other two were left nearly untouched!  The cashier took the receipt without saying much of anything and we received the corrected receipt about fourteen (14) minutes later from our waiter who didn't say anything either!
We could not get out of that place fast enough.  We all just left feeling so...weird.  It was just such a bizarre and strange experience.  To this day, I have night terrors about the whole event.  The amount of time I was in Queens Kickshaw actually leads me to believe I was held captive without knowing it.  I'm still sort of waiting for video cameras to be broken out and find myself on some sort of nightmare restaurant show.

I think it goes without saying based on the above, but just to clarify, the chances of me ever stepping foot in Queens Kickshaw again are an astounding ZERO.  I guess it is possible that I had a fluke experience, but if that is the case then I guess it is also possible that the earth is flat.  I think the preliminary frenzy over this place was exactly that - preliminary.  I think the idea of unique coffee, different grilled cheese sandwiches, and cool beer led people down a zombie like path that they couldn't control.  PEOPLE GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. SNAP OUT OF IT.  LOOK AWAY FROM THE SWINGING PENDULUM.
 
Queens Kickshaw - I love great coffee, delicious grilled cheese, and unique beer that I haven't tried.  Sadly, the coffee was blah, the grilled cheese was blargh, and I will have to try new beer elsewhere.  I can't say I'll miss you.

Gaudio's Pizzeria & Restaurant - worth the wait, and yes, you will be waiting

Ahhhh Gaudio's Pizzeria & Restaurant - yet another place that I love to hate, love to love, hate to love, and all those other mixed emotions that come along with food obsession.  Upon moving to my new 'hood, I scoped out some nearby food establishments.  One food establishment being Gaudio's. 
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Gaudio's, my first thought was "there is no way that place has passed health inspections, I'm never eating that pizza" and the second was "oh, wait, maybe they just are like innumerable other restaurants in Queens that haven't changed their appearance since 1995".  On a side note, I think 1995 was a pretty good year for pizza in my life.  I don't remember the exact details, but since I graduated elementary school that year I am pretty confident that there was a lot of pizza partying going on.  Irrelevant, sorry.  

Flash forward to a few evenings after we moved into our new apartment.  My co-diner and I are tired, lazy, don't feel like going too far for food, and want something quick and easy.  Like a flash of lightning, Gaudio's came into my life, yelling at the top of their Italian lungs, "ITSA ME GAUDIO!" 






My co-diner and I arrive, unsure if we are going to eat at Gaudio's or get our meals to go.  We wanted to feel out the atmosphere first.  I was unsure if I was going to walk into a dumpster or a scene from In Living Color.  I was even more unsure which I would prefer.  To be honest, it was kind of a combination of both.  To be even more honest, I loved every second of it.
First, I need to discuss the man who took our order.  He is the reason that I said that Gaudio's was partially like walking into a dumpster.  Now, it must be hard to keep tidy while making pizza's all day, I can understand that.  What I can't understand is smeared glasses, a drooly mouth, and just an overall "I just put my hands in places you don't even want to know" type of look.  Call me crazy, but it just doesn't exactly whet my appetite.  To make matters worse, this individual moved in slow motion.  He should actually look into a new career in Hollywood special effects because I have never seen motion this slow, even in the movies when they intentionally put a clip in slow motion.  In fact, I heard a rumor that Juvenile penned his very respecful song "Slow Motion" after this dude. 

ANYWAY, after I ordered my white slice of pizza and my co-diner ordered her regular cheese slice of pizza, we decided we wanted salads.  As soon as this dude heard that we would like salads, he said we should sit down and order from the waiter.  Upon hearing that and realizing we had to be at work tomorrow morning and probably wouldn't make it in time if we chose to take that route, we said we would have the salads to go.  I ordered Gaudio's house salad (substiting mozzarella for provolone because I respect cheese that specifically asks within it's name to be left "olone" - also I prefer to avoid curd cheese that tastes like feet).  My co-diner ordered a Gaudio's house salad (with provolone).

While we were waiting at the counter for our food another customer walked in and literally stood at the counter waiting for his order to be taken for a solid five minutes.  The man who took our order was there the entire time, looking up at the ceiling, looking down at the floor, scratching his head, scratching his nose, kneading some dough, sighing, looking at the ceiling, etc.  Finally, he said something that could not be understood, along the lines of "do you need help?" to which the customer responded "yes, that would be great" with a sigh of relief.  Well, fast forward another solid five to seven minutes later and another five to ten senseless tasks later and still the customer was not helped.  Finally, the customer made eye contact with the dude and the dude said something along the lines of "oh, I thought you said you were being helped," and proceeded to half turn around, but listened to the customer's order.  Along with whatever the customer ordered, he ordered a regular can of Pepsi.  Well, something went way over the dude's head because he first presented him with a Diet Pepsi, then he gave him a Pepsi Max, FINALLY, he figured out that "the regular pepsi can is blue" meant, the blue can, not the black or silver one.






After this display, we finally received our food.  We paid and were on our way.  To be honest, I didn't fully appreciate the scenes that had developed before me until later on.  After giving it some thought, I realized that I had just received some of the best comedy and entertainment of my life all for the price of a slice of pizza and a salad.  Talk about a bargain.
Now, onto the food, the white slice was delicious.  It was the perfect amount of crisp, without being crunchy.  The salad was great as well, my one complaint would be there definitely is a bit of zest or flavor missing from the dressing, which could be due to the fact that there was not much dressing on the salad.  My co-diner said the regular slice was delicious also.  Again, the perfect amount of crisp. 
A few days later, there we were again, lazy and not motivated to cook.  We had the crave, the Gaudio's crave.  Unfortunately for us, this crave was depraved because it was a Monday and as we learned, Gaudio's is closed on Monday's.
Not to worry, Gaudio's re-entered our lives a few nights later.  This time, we decided to dine in.  Our buddy, the dude, (as I have been referring to him) was present, but we would not get to experience his quirks except at a distance because we had a waiter instead.  Nonetheless, the dude provided entertainment from our seats.  We made sure our seats were front and center to fully witness all of his actions.  Our waiter was a nice italian gentleman who provided prompt and friendly service, despite the fact that Gaudio's is Gaudio's and you will wait whether you are the only person in the restaurant or one of a hundred.  My co-diner and I both ordered Gaudio's salad, again, hers with feet, mine without.  Like last time, the salads were great except the dressing was again missing something.  We also decided to split the baked ziti dish and garlic knots.  The garlic knots were phenomenal.  Honestly, out of this world and from whatever world it is that the dude comes from.  I wish he had given me some of his slow motion power while eating them because I wanted them to last forever.  Amazing.  They were a texture in between perfectly soft/moist and crisp and had the right amount of garlic and were not drenched in oil.  The baked ziti came out a while later and was great.  I won't say it is the best baked ziti I have ever had, but it was pretty delicious.  The portions are generous, you won't leave overly stuffed on just the baked ziti, but you won't leave hungry either.  You will be satisfied.
What I've learned about Gaudio's is that you have to go in with an open mind and willing to wait.  Would I go there if I was in a huge rush?  Probably not, no.  Would I go in there expecting to receive a regular can of soda as opposed to a diet soda on the first try?  Don't be crazy, no.  Would I go in there expecting an out of this world slice and garlic knots?  Is the number eight even?  Can an ant typically lift and carry twenty or more times its body weight?  All ridiculously easy questions, with simple answers, YES, YES, and YES!






Gaudio's is somewhere that I think I'll feel pretty comfortable calling home after a few more visits.  I'm looking forward to a great many years ahead being entertained by the employees of Gaudio's and enjoying some great pizza and garlic knots while I'm at it.
Gaudio's - don't you go changing on me.

Warning: Cafe Orlin may cause the developmen​t of a severe love/hate relationsh​ip

The first time I tried Cafe Orlin was for dinner a few years ago.  We waited a good 7 minutes after we sat without menus, but we were finally able to flag down a bus boy who brought us menus.  After looking at the menu, which is reasonably priced for the City, (both in food and drink prices) I ordered the Warm Mozzarella sandwich, which at the time came with fries AND a small salad.  My co-diner ordered the Chicken Cutlet sandwich, which also came with fries and a small salad.  We also ordered one of the special wines at the time, which cost only $20.00 for the bottle.  When we ordered, we requested bread for the table and never received said bread the entire meal.  This was especially frustrating because ALL of the tables around us were getting bread! Note - the bread debacle has happened on a few other occasions as well.  Truly puzzling.  Despite this, the food at Cafe Orlin is consistently great.  I have never had a dinner meal that I did not feel fully satisfied with at Cafe Orlin.  Also, the wine is always good too.  Recently, I also tried their spicy margarita, which was the perfect amount of hot.  Their alcoholic blueberry lemonade is tasty too, not overly sweet.  The waitress also told us they have a non-alcoholic version as well, which I imagine is just as delectable.
I have also dined at Cafe Orlin numerous times for breakfast and brunch.  They have a great selection.  I highly recommend the Malawach if it is listed as a special at the time. Simply superb and different from other brunch items I've had anywhere else.  During the week when breakfast is served they have a really good breakfast special where you get two eggs (any style) served with home fries and toast, plus orange juice and a cappuccino for only...wait for it...wait for it...$6.00 - CRAZYYY. 
So there you have it, the love part of the relationship.  Moving on to the hate...

You know how in interviews sometimes the person interviewing you asks "now tell me one thing you could work on about yourself" or "tell me one flaw you have" - well, I think Cafe Orlin would or should answer, their service.  Cafe Orlin's servers are SO neglectful.  Besides the failure to bring bread to the table consistently, even when asked, I have went an entire meal without getting my drink until my food is brought or after my food is brought.  Once, I didn't even get my drink at all!  I have also had instances where I never see my waitress or waiter again after my order is taken.  They simply vanish, to where is one of the seven wonders of the world.  Now this is really where the hate part of the relationship comes in...the thing is it doesn't last for long because as soon as you are about to complain, the waitress or waiter will come to your table and they are extremely kind and pleasant to deal with and really do not seem to realize that they have been absent for the entire length of your meal.  It is a true conundrum.
Cafe Orlin makes me feel like a middle child must feel, always there, hardly noticed.  Better yet, Cafe Orlin makes me feel as though I have a split personality, one minute I'm happy and smiling and enjoying my meal and the next minute I am frantically searching for my server before I become irreversibly dehydrated.  Overall, the food makes up for the service and I will continue to suffer at the hands of my inattentive waitress or waiter and return to Cafe Orlin for many meals in the future.