The loud and constant buzz over Queens Kickshaw has been comparable to what Thomas J. Sennett (as played by Macaulay Culkin) must have heard after he took that fatal step onto the bee hive in the summer of 1972 in one of the best films ever made - My Girl. It was this frenzy of positive accolades along with curiosity over the concept of Queens Kickshaw that led me to their doorstep. When I first got wind of Queens Kickshaw I was very intrigued by the idea - specialty coffee, gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, and craft beer - all served up in a relaxed atmosphere. It sounded like a mecca, a land of dreams, a place I could raise a family one day. It was more like a torture chamber, a dungeon of despair, a land without feelings. I digress...let me rewind and start from at the beginning of the end.
One pleasant afternoon, my co-coffee connoisseur and I decided we were cravin' coffee. We were not far from Queens Kickshaw and had been wanting to try their coffee so headed to do so. We were pleasantly surprised by the various choices in types of pour-over coffee available. There were some interesting descriptions. I ordered the Guatemalan and my co-coffee connoisseur ordered the Mexico. Now, I know pour-over / drip coffee takes a little bit longer to prepare, but the place was empty and our drinks were still not started until a few minutes after we ordered. We sat down to wait and wait we did. Approximately eight (8) minutes later our beverages were ready. They are served in extremely tiny cups, which was my first disappointment given the price. Now, I know we were paying for specialty coffee, but the cup size was dainty at best. We left Queens Kickshaw and tried our coffee. Both of us felt as though it was "just coffee" which is not a good thing when you are marketing yourself as "specialty coffee". We even tried each others coffee and had the same reaction. It did not taste like something I had not had before at a non-specialty coffee shop. At that moment, I knew it would not be the coffee that made me rush back.
A few weeks later, my parents were visiting for the day and they love espresso. I had read that Queens Kickshaw had one of the most coveted espresso machines there is and some great espresso to go along with it. We were also hungry, but not starving. We decided that Queens Kickshaw fit our moods perfectly. Sadly, it didn't fit our moods perfectly because we were happy when we arrived and sad, sullen, somber, and shocked when we left. I warn readers whose attention stamina begins to waiver after a paragraph or two, turn back now, because I am about to go on a rant that will not match any other rant I have previously went on (until I review my next establishment).
There is a large wooden table in the front of Queens Kickshaw. There are also bar stools near the coffee area and then a seating area in the back of the Kickshaw. The individual behind the counter told us to sit where we preferred and so we sat at the large table in the front. Queens Kickshaw does have some great decor and atmosphere, it is pretty cool. However, as you will see by the events that transpired, there is unfortunately no atmosphere that would personally entice me back to that cavern of confusion again.
So, we sit down at the front table. We wait approximately a solid six (6) to seven (7) minutes before I go up to the counter and ask if we had to order at the counter (since we never received menus). I am told that we will be served at the table. I go sit down and approximately another two (2) to three (3) minutes later we finally get menus. I would like to point out, the place was not crowded, practically empty - hence no real excuse for the wait.
After approximately twenty (20) minutes of being there, we finally ordered. I ordered an iced coffee and the cheddar and mozzarella grilled cheese, which comes with tomato soup. My mother ordered the same grilled cheese and my father ordered the kitchen sink salad along with the napa cabbage slaw. We also ordered the miso mustard pickles for the table.
Now, I saved our non-caffeine drink order for last because this is really where a lot of the confusion comes into play and the reasoning behind the confusion still confuses me to this day. Confusing, right? We all ordered water and we asked for some lemon to put in our water. We were informed there was no lemon, BUT they had some natural lime syrup that they could add to the water or they had some sodas we could try. We did not want soda so the waiter offered to bring us over some of the natural lime syrup to try. Again, after a significant amount of time our drinks came over. When the water and iced coffee were brought, the waiter informed us that the water was going to taste "bad" with the syrup and we should try it with seltzer. My parents declined this offer, but I said sure. Not-so-shocking-sidenote - there was no milk, sugar, etc. brought over with my iced coffee. My seltzer was brought over along with another natural lime syrup. Once I received my seltzer, I placed some of the syrup into it and tried it - if natural means vomit-inducing then they have a sure fire winner in that beverage.
Approximately fifteen (15) minutes later the miso mustard pickles arrive. These are not pickles. While, I did like the dish, which I will get more into in a minute, they are not pickles and should have a different name. They are pickled vegetables and a quail egg. No, that is not a typo. I repeat, they are pickled vegetables and a quail egg. They are served in a small glass. The serving size is sparse. There were a handful of vegetables and the single solitary quacking quail egg. The dish was enjoyable, but it just wasn't what it is advertised to be and while I did not mind the dish I ended up with, others may.
Fast-forward another twenty-five (25) minutes later and our food finally arrives, well, we thought so. Our grilled cheeses and soups were served, along with the napa cabbage salad. No kitchen sink salad though and also no explanation of where it was. After another eight (8) minutes or so of trying to get someones attention to inquire as to where the kitchen sink salad was, someone finally came over. At that point, we were told that they actually made two napa cabbage salads and messed up the order. Now, wouldn't you think someone would have just told us that or at least told us the salad was on the way? Guess not. After waiting another ten (10) minutes the kitchen sink salad arrived. It was puzzling why it took so long after seeing it, it didn't look very complicated and most, if not all of the ingredients must be pre-prepared. Due to our wait, the waiter stated that he would give us some beverages on the house, which turned out to be water and another natural lime syrup. When he brought the natural lime syrup we still had 1.5 full containers on our table so told him it was okay, rather than have him waste it. I'd had enough natural vomit elixir for the day.
As for the actual food, I am puzzled how a place can state that they make gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches or fancy grilled cheese sandwiches and do exactly the opposite. Basically every single other grilled cheese sandwich I have had in my entire life was better than this grilled cheese sandwich (including several places in Astoria - Mini Star, Sweet Afton). First of all, there was barely any cheese on the sandwich. Second of all, the bread was just not right, it was greasy and did not have the proper consistency for a grilled cheese. This grilled cheese sandwich was everything a grilled cheese sandwich has strived all of its life not to be. This set grilled cheese sandwiches back approximately until before they were even invented. I'd rather make myself a grilled cheese on a grilled cheese maker that I had in my college dorm room in college than eat another one of these sick puppies.
Now, if the sandwich was not bad enough, the soup makes drinking the natural lime syrup vomit taste delicious. Literally, I think they opened up a jar of ketchup and marinara sauce, mixed them, heated the combo to room temperature, and put it in bowls. It wasn't even good marinara sauce. It was luke warm and vile. (I would like to note, I have read a similar review of their tomato soup on another review site, so I am not the only one who noticed the marinara quality of this soup). On a positive note, my father enjoyed his kitchen sink salad, which consisted of a variety of pickled vegetables, quail eggs, and lettuce. As far as the napa cabbage salad, it literally was cabbage chopped up, that's it, no flavor, no dressing, nada.
Well, after we were finished eating (read: spread everything out around the plate to make it look like we ate, but didn't really eat more than a few bites and one slurp of soup), the waiter came over and asked if anyone wanted some after dinner beverages. Had we not come to this restaurant mainly to try the espresso, we 100% would have left and said no. However, they are known for their espresso variety and machine so in an attempt not to let this visit go entirely to waste, we inquired about the espresso. The owner of the Queens Kickshaw went on for approximately five (5) full minutes about this one type of espresso they have that is so amazing, so delicious, so perfect, that YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT. The strange part was, when my parents asked to try it, he told them he didn't have it in the machine and it had to be calibrated properly and ran a few times so basically, they couldn't try it. My parents indicated they didn't mind waiting and didn't really get a response. They then ordered the other kind of espresso that they apparently did have in the machine. Well, the waiter came over and brought them their espresso approximately twelve (12) minutes later. They finished their espresso, the waiter came over and started talking about the same other espresso that the owner had talked about and went on and on about it and basically said YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT. Again, my parents said they would try it, but were under the impression that it was not in the machine, the waiter said he would see what he could do and likely get them some to try. Well, fifteen (15) minutes later, the waiter strolls over and asks if we need anything else. We all just could do nothing but look at each other and him puzzled. We politely reminded him about the other espresso and he said something along the lines of "oh, we ran out" - which was starkly different from having some, but the machine not being calibrated for it, etc. etc. At that point, we just wanted to get out of that freak show and on with our lives.
We thought our horror was over, that we could finally escape, but we were wrong, again. We waited a while for the check and when it finally came, we were SHOCKED to see three (3) charges for three (3) natural lime puke-vomit-yak syrup on the receipt, for $3.50 EACH SYRUP. How awkward. I politely approached the counter and inquired about the charges, explaining that we were told to try the syrup by the waiter under the impression that it was a lemon substitute, that we didn't even ask for the second one, we were told the third one was on the house, AND we returned one of them and the other two were left nearly untouched! The cashier took the receipt without saying much of anything and we received the corrected receipt about fourteen (14) minutes later from our waiter who didn't say anything either!
We could not get out of that place fast enough. We all just left feeling so...weird. It was just such a bizarre and strange experience. To this day, I have night terrors about the whole event. The amount of time I was in Queens Kickshaw actually leads me to believe I was held captive without knowing it. I'm still sort of waiting for video cameras to be broken out and find myself on some sort of nightmare restaurant show.
I think it goes without saying based on the above, but just to clarify, the chances of me ever stepping foot in Queens Kickshaw again are an astounding ZERO. I guess it is possible that I had a fluke experience, but if that is the case then I guess it is also possible that the earth is flat. I think the preliminary frenzy over this place was exactly that - preliminary. I think the idea of unique coffee, different grilled cheese sandwiches, and cool beer led people down a zombie like path that they couldn't control. PEOPLE GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. SNAP OUT OF IT. LOOK AWAY FROM THE SWINGING PENDULUM.
Queens Kickshaw - I love great coffee, delicious grilled cheese, and unique beer that I haven't tried. Sadly, the coffee was blah, the grilled cheese was blargh, and I will have to try new beer elsewhere. I can't say I'll miss you.
